On Self-Confidence

[Caveat: When I say “you” in this piece, I don’t necessarily mean you. Hopefully, that’s clear to you as you read, and clear in the way you believe in yourself.]

I am growing in the opinion that the most necessary ingredient for success in life is self confidence. You just have to believe in yourself. You have to. If you don’t believe in you, you either force others to try to buoy your confidence or you give them permission to treat you as less than you are or are capable of being.

Having others buoy your confidence can be addictive. It feels so nice, when you’re down, for someone to hug you and tell you it will be ok, to sit with you for a while. At some point, though, friends and colleagues will get tired of trying to prop you up. Frankly, it’s exhausting, and it keeps those of us who want to help from doing the most good we could be doing, not to mention all the good you could be doing in the world if you could find the kind of help that would get you to stop, to believe in yourself.

Go to Tumblr sometime and look at the anorexics and self harmers on there. On second thought, don’t. It will make you immeasurably sad. I think that a lack of self faith or self confidence drives almost all of these people. There are a few who just have brains that are improperly wired. The rest have trained their brains to seek attention through these methods. I don’t want to sound unsympathetic to those who have eating disorders or who self harm. I love and admire all of you, and I desperately want you to win whatever battle it is you’re fighting. I want to help. In my estimation, though, the most significant impact, the greatest improvement for you will come from having some faith in you and what you’re capable of accomplishing.

In speaking of self confidence, I think Marianne Williamson might have said it best [emphasis mine]:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

That’s the long version. What’s most important to me is this: “...as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” You, by simply believing in yourself, have a surprising impact on others. You don’t have to be a complete, fully formed success. You don’t even have to be successful at anything. You just have to believe that you are a good and decent human being, and you have to believe that you are capable of greatness. And you have to keep believing it. “Sure, I’m a small frail creature prone to failure, but I am also a miracle, capable of miracles. I can do so much.”

And here’s the second secret: If you believe you are capable - if you believe in yourself - the best way to maintain that confidence is to work. Find something you love to do and throw yourself at it. You might not win all the time or any of the time, but if you enjoy it and you believe in yourself, you will keep getting better and better. And you’ll like what that improvement does in turn for your confidence and your ability to believe in yourself, which will cause you to want to work harder, which...! You’re getting this. I can tell.

Sure, I’m sugar coating this a little. Life will, as Sarah Kay puts it so beautifully, “... hit you, hard, in the face, [and] wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.” If you believe in yourself, when you get knocked down, you’ll get back up again, and perseverance is another of the great requirements in life for success.

So believe in you. It’s not hard. Given all we know about science and nature, the fact that you exist at all is an extraordinary miracle. That makes you an extraordinary miracle! Do you know what’s even better than that? You, you miracle, you, are capable of extraordinary miracles. Knowing that, how could you not want to try to explore the limits of your incredible capabilities.

Here is the paradox: within this vast universe, we are small, frail creatures, prone to failure, and yet, we are perfect miracles, capable of miracles. You can do whatever it is you put your mind and heart to. I believe in you. Do me the honor of believing in you, too.